Been a while

Howdy folks,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. My buddy convinced me a while back to join a local kickball league, and somehow I got suckered into participating as one of the head refs. Stupid hot league reps! Why are they so sneaky, with their totally obvious wedding rings that I don't notice until I've already agreed to something I don't really want to do?

Fear not, though. The Lienator will be back in action before you know it. I ref'd one week and decided it's WAY too much commitment. It reminds me of the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I feel hungry enough to order two machaca & egg burritos, and instantly know I've signed up for more than I should have (Maricopa County Hospital be damned; I'll eat what I want!) Besides, I think I've been demoted from head ref to a much less demanding position. No one's told me what it is yet, but who wants to bet it's Ball Boy? Lefty will be proud I'm living up to his namesake.

Cheers,
Lien

Still an overwhelming response

Well, the responses to my original post just keep rolling in. It's reached a point where I can't even remember all of the chicks' names, if they even have names. I've come to just refer to them by their profession or hobby. There's Bartender Chick, Motocross Chick, Hiker Chick, Accountant Chick...

The one problem is that eventually my buddies are going to meet one of these chicks, and when I introduce her by her real name, I'm just going to get blank stares until someone goes "Oh... do you mean Slutty Chick?" I'm not sure what I'll do about that. Wait, what am I talking about? If I'm dating Slutty Chick what will I ever have to worry about??

Cheers,
Lien

My house is dirty

My ex-girlfriend used to always want to come clean my house, and I'd get mad at her and tell her to stay out of my barrio. Since we broke up I've been noticing that the house is getting dirtier and dirtier, and I can't figure out why. The paper food wrappers are piling up, the empty salsa containers are everywhere, and my bedroom smells oddly like machaca. I'm beginning to wonder if I should have just let her clean.

A temporary reconciliation may be in order. What would you call that? It's not really a booty call... the term "milk maid" keeps coming to mind. Maybe I should refer to her as my burrito maid.

Cheers,
Lien

An observation on dieting

Today I decided to take a break from the drive-thru mexican havens I like to call home, and I noticed something really interesting. I weighed myself at 6:30 in the morning, after a long night of compacting my bowel with 11 beers, 6 tacos, and 2 Chipotle burritos. Then I went the whole day without any water or food, taking only 16 Claritin-Ds for energy. Weighing myself again this evening, I found that I'm down 135 lbs. My buddy assures me that weight fluctuation from varying levels of water saturation in the body is normal, but I'm pretty sure I've found a wormhole to another universe that starts in my gonad.

Dieters of the world: Forget about the silly 3500 calories in a pound of fat mumbo-jumbo. Stop wasting your money on Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, or gym memberships. The answer is in Claritin-D and believing! I know most of you won't trust me on this, but I know there are one or two of you that (in the great words of Morpheus) are beginning to believe.

Cheers,
Lien

Favorite words, part II

Today's words have a theme; namely, they're all taken from Hiro Nakamura from Heroes. Oh how I wish I could be more like him. Once again, I invite you to test out how many of these phrases I use in a single conversation.

Frying man! Whoooosh!
Great Scott-o!
Yatta!
Waffles, woohoo!
Can you give me ride-o? Boop boop.

Cheers,
Lien

I hate situps

For the last few months, every time I go to the gym and do situps, I end up in excruciating pain. This isn't like the kind of pain you get when the late-night cook at Los Betos forgets that eggshells don't go in the burrito along with the egg but you decide to eat it anyway; we're talking real pain here. It usually hits after about the 11th situp or so. I'll be minding my own business, pretending to be heavily focused on my workout but really trying to subtly check out the hot chick stretching next to me (it really sucks when she's behind me, because there's no way to be subtle about turning your head 180 degrees in the middle of a situp).

Anyway, I'll get to that 11th situp or so, and I'll feel a pinch. I'll try to do one or two more, then pause, and then it comes full force. At this point I generally fall off of my exercise ball onto the floor, clutching Lefty, and lie in the fetal position for 30 seconds or so. My buddy assures me that it's not normal and that I should see a doctor, but I think I'm just feeling the burn.

Just thought I'd share. Off to lunch #2 at Rubio's! (It's someone's birthday at work so I'm going a little fancier than usual.)

Cheers,
Lien

Have you ever noticed?

Have you ever noticed how singing the theme song to Super Mario Bros. can make it possible to do almost anything? Without this simple little tune, I don't think I'd be the burrito-eating contender I am today. Just humming the first few notes has helped me in so many ways: getting off the ground on those particularly tricky start holds on a climbing route, taking a turn on the bike that would make Evel Knievel nervous, and finishing that last bite of the burrito when my stomach is saying "no, no, please god no!" but my brain is saying "cool, burrito!"

Try it some time and see for yourself. You never know when you'll find yourself in a sticky situation that Mario and Luigi have just the answer for.

Do-do do do-do do do,
Lien

Favorite words, part I

Those of you that hang out with me know that I have a unique language of my very own for describing everyday things, particularly aspects of the fairer sex. I will now share a few of my favorites, and invite you to see how many you've heard me say before. As an added challenge, see how many you can get me to say in one conversation the next time you talk to me.

bolt-ons
pineapple face
re-tread
italian shimmy-sham
mrreoww

More to come...

Cheers,
Lien

Overwhelming Response

Wow - I had no idea how many women out there are also into burritos and doing the italian shimmy-sham! The response to my first post has been overwhelming, and I think I have dates lined up every day for the next 12 years. I'm pretty sure I'm going to start pawning some of these girls off onto my buddies. Lucky for me, my one buddy only dates women with BMIs in the single-digits, and the other likes his chicks with light _and_ dark meat on the bone. So that should knock me down to about 5 dates a week. It's manageable if you believe it's manageable (there is no spoon, there is no spoon, there is no spoon).

I met up with one chick this morning at Ralibertos and have another date lined up for dinner. Can't decide if I should bring her back to the same place or if Alibertos is more appealing... Wait, I've got it. This chick definitely struck me as outdoorsy, so the taco stand Julio set up down the street is right up her alley. Good thing I know all of the hotspots around town!

I think I'm going to try putting up 50 headshots of myself and see if the responses get better. Boom, headshot!

Cheers,
Lien

My left nut feels great!

I haven't yet contributed my thoughts to this inter-web doodad. I feel I should occasionally shoot off on the masses, because, well, the pipes sometimes need cleaning.

So I'll say this: Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one. Yes, Dr. Seuss said it first, but it's just as true for me.

Things are looking okay from this end: A new Filibertos just opened nearby at 32nd and Greenway, and I hear they chose their location based mainly on proximity to a cat adoption agency. I'm working hard on my training regiment for the Macayo's Burrito-Eating contest, and think I will be ready to take on Kobayashi by June. If I've learned one thing, it's that when given the choice, you should never mix the red and green salsas together. Never.

I'm hoping that this post will attract the kind of woman I've been waiting for. One that can do the italian shimmy-sham just the way I like it. Somebody once told me you can't love anybody unless you love yourself first, so a special shout-out to the women of Penthouse for helping me get to that goal. With Righty gone Lefty's been putting in overtime, and I think he's pretty happy with the arrangement.

As always, avoid standing downwind, and don't forget to double-wrap it! (Your burrito, you pervs! The grease soaks right through the first layer.)

Cheers,
Lien